Captain Zaibach
by Sakura Shinguji-Albatou
Summary: Revised An Escaflowne parody to Captain Planet. The Dragon Slayers must stop the plague of good deeds sweeping across Gaea...


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Captain Zaibach

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A/N: All right, I owe y'all an explanation. One morning, I woke up and discovered that my TV suddenly received Cartoon Network! I turned it on, and what did I find, but one of my favorite childhood TV shows, Captain Planet! To make a long story short, I started watching it again for a couple days and had to write a parody. It's become a hobby of mine. Please R&R so I'll know if I can do stuff like this again, or if I should just keep my parodies to myself.  
Story has been changed from script format to third-person present tense so that doesn't delete it.

ooooo

Dornkirk's voice speaks as various images of the characters shuffle around. "Gaea is in peril. The Zaibach Empire is trying to conquer the world, but the combined forces of Asturia, Fanelia, Freid, and others have driven them back, and Folken, Strategos of Zaibach, can no longer bear the good deeds plaguing the planet. Five ordinary rings are given to five dull young people: From Zaibach, Guimel, with the power of 'Melef; from Zaibach, Gatti, with the power of Fire; from Zaibach, Migel, with the power of Sword; from Zaibach, Dalet, with the power of Fate Alteration; and from Zaibach, Chesta, with the power of Brownies. They are the Dragon Slayers!"

Dilandau's voice takes over. "Your powers are mine, for I am Captain Zaibach!"

Maaya Sakamoto begins to sing. "Captain Zaibach! He's our hero! Gonna cut the heroes down to zero! He's our powers all combined and he's fighting with himself in mind! Captain Zaibach! He's our hero! Gonna cut the heroes down to zero! Gonna help him kill the good guys before everyone in Zaibach dies!"

-Begin show-

The Dragon Slayers stand on the bridge of the Vione, looking out across a bright and beautiful sky. A few fluffy clouds float by. A bird flies smack into the large window and slides down slowly, leaving a smear behind. As they watch, Folken appears in the air as a gigantic translucent figure. Folken speaks, his voice echoing and ethereal. "Dragon Slayers! There's trouble in Fanelia!" he warns.

"What is it this time, Folken?" asks Migel. Folken's face becomes distressed.

"There's too much happiness energy in the area for me to see clearly. All I can tell you is that someone is doing a good deed. You must hurry, Dragon Slayers!" he urges. Gatti nods.

"We're on it!"

The Vione floats its merry way to Fanelia, and remains hovering above the trees as the Dragon Slayers slide down ridiculously long ropes to the ground. They sprint through the main gates and down an equally ridiculously long street, with much dodging off villagers, hurdling of vegetable stands, heroic running at the camera, and valiant background music. When they reach the end of the road, they spy Van perched atop a large wooden frame, pounding away with a hammer. They all gasp.

"It's our arch-nemesis, Van Slanzar de Fanel!" Migel gasps, pointing at Van. "And he's…he's helping to build an orphanage!"

"Oh no!" exclaims Dalet, "this horror must be stopped!" Gatti steps to the front of the group, planting his feet and squaring his shoulders heroically.

"I'll take care of this one!" Gatti points his ring at Van. "Fire!" he shouts in a commanding tone; fire spouts gloriously from the ring, and the soon-to-be orphanage goes up in flames. Peasants scream and run around in all directions, boards crack, and Van falls with a loud curse to the ground, where he disappears from sight in the flames. Gatti turns to the Dragon Slayers and nods. Satisfied with their work, they begin the walk back to the Vione, slapping Gatti on the back and congratulating him.

Halfway up the insanely long and diverse street, however, Chesta stops and points. "What's that?" he cries. Guimel follows his finger.

"It could be another good deed!" Dalet takes off running.

"Let's go!"

The Dragon Slayers sprint a few blocks until they come to Dryden, who is holding an open bag and distributing coins to a crowd of shoddily-clad, downtrodden, smelly-looking people with bad teeth, chewed fingernails, and hair growing out of their noses. "It's just as I thought!" Chesta announces, "our other arch-nemesis, Dryden Fassa, is giving money to the poor and the needy!"

"We must stop him, before this gets out of control!" Migel adds. Chesta points his ring into the air.

"Brownies!" Chesta cries. A plate of brownies falls to the ground with a clatter. Dalet blinks.

"How's that going to help?" Chesta shrugs, twisting his ring around on his finger.

"I don't know, but it's all I can do. Folken made my ring last, and he couldn't think of any other superpowers." Migel holds up a clenched fist, and his ring sparkles in the sunlight.

"Just leave it to me!" He points his ring into the air. "Sword!" he cries. Light spouts from his ring and materializes into a sword in the air, which Migel grabs, and he rushes at Dryden. Chesta wrings his hands with worry.

"Oh, do be careful, Migel!" he calls, "Almsgivers are very dangerous!" Migel gives the Dragon Slayers a cocky grin before leaping at Dryden. Dryden sees the attack coming and jumps back, and the tip of Migel's sword slices open the bag of money. Coins bounce and scatter everywhere, and the peasants crawl after them on all fours; one trips over his nose-hair and falls down a sewer. Migel uses an elderly beggar's head as a springboard to propel himself high in the air, bringing his sword around in a downward slash aimed at Dryden. Dryden steps aside again and Migel misses, but the force of his tremendous and physics-defying attack breaks apart the paving stones and knocks Dryden into a barrel of pickeled herring.

Guimel jumps up and down, waving folding fans with Zaibach's crest upon them. "You did it, Migel! You did it!" he cries. Dryden spits out a fish.

"I'll get you for this, Dragon Slayers!" he sneers, "and you'll get my dry-cleaning bill, too!" The Dragon Slayers all stick their tongues out at Dryden—

"Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"—and run away.

Once the city street has transformed into a forest road, they slow their pace to a comfortable walk as they make their way back to the Vione. Gatti punches a fist in the air.

"Yep, Gaea is safe from good deeds now, thanks to us!" The rest nod their agreement and exchange high-fives, all except for Guimel.

"Not yet!" Guimel warns, "look!" They run around a bend in the road and find Allen, in Scherazade, fighting a group of guymelefs that appear to be old, rusty, and nearly broken down.

"It's our other other arch-nemesis, Allen Schezar!" observes Dalet, "and he's…he's protecting Fanelia from a malicious group of undead ninjas from the Ninth Level of Hell! Oh, what is this world coming to?" Guimel looks at the others and nods.

"Now it's my turn!" He points his ring in the air. "'Melef!" he shouts. Light spouts from Guimel's ring and becomes an Alseides unit, and he climbs in.

"Wait!" interrupts Chesta, "let me try again! Brownies!" Another plate of brownies falls at Chesta's feet, and he hangs his head. "Aw, crap."

Guimel takes careful aim and shoots his Crima Claws. Allen turns and blocks the first, but the second knocks the sword out of Scherazade's hand. The undead ninjas seize Scherazade and drag Allen off into the forest.

"All right!" Migel cries as Guimel climbs out of the Alseides, and the Dragon Slayers body slam each other like big, dumb football players, and fall over. Folken appears before them again, this time at a normal height, and they cough and adjust their armor, blushing furiously. Folken chokes back a laugh and speaks.

"Dragon Slayers, there's more trouble in Fanelia." The Dragon Slayers blink.

"But, we got the orphanage," Gatti begins. Folken shakes his head and holds up a hand to interrupt him.

"No, not that." The Dragon Slayers look at each other.

"Our other other other arch-nemesis, Hitomi," Chesta says, looking to Folken, who nods. They turn and sprint back into Fanelia, with the same dodging off villagers, hurdling of vegetable stands, heroic running at the camera, and valiant background music as before, because, due to lack of funds, this is the same footage as before. The new animation begins as the Dragon Slayers dash up an insanely long staircase into the palace—the one with the blue roof. Dalet lets out a scream of horror when he sees Hitomi and Mirana sitting together at a window seat, tarot cards laid out between them.

"It's worse than I thought! She's…she's using her talents to help a friend in trouble!" Chesta steps forward.

"Okay, I know I've got it this time! Brownies!" A plate of brownies falls to the floor, and Chesta stomps his foot. "Dammit!" Hitomi turns around.

"Who are you?" she questions, rising to her feet. Before she can move, Dalet points his ring at her.

"Fate Alteration!" he commands. Chartreuse waves swirl from Dalet's ring, and they transform Hitomi into a brown rabbit wearing sneakers and a pendant. Mirana screams and faints out the window, and the rabbit scrambles out of the room. "Our work here is done!" Dalet proclaims.

The Dragon Slayers march triumphantly out of the palace and freeze. All their arch-nemesises…nemises…insert plural of nemesis here…await them on the palace steps, though Dryden smells so terribly that the stone steps are melting, Van is extra-crispy, and Allen is a zombie holding Hitomi the Bunny.

"Oh no!" Chesta cries.

"There's no way we can beat all of them at once, even if Hitomi is a rabbit!" Guimel adds. Gatti, however, is unshaken.

"Then let our powers combine!" he proclaims. The others nod, and point their rings in the air.

"'Melef!"

"Fire!"

"Sword!"

"Fate Alteration!"

"Brownies!" They all glare at Chesta, who holds his hands up innocently. "What?"

A great flash of light draws their attention to the sky where Dilandau appears in red and black spandex, Zaibach's crest emblazoned on his chest. "Your powers are mine, for I am Captain Zaibach!" he shouts in a heroic voice. The Dragon Slayers wave their arms and cheer.

"Go, Zaibach!"

Dilandau turns to the assembled group of do-gooders, and his eyes narrow with malice. "BURN!" he screams, and flames shoot out of his hands, charring the good guys quite thoroughly.

"Yeaaaaa!" the Dragon Slayers cheer.

An Oreades appears, and Dilandau climbs inside and steps on the good guys.

"Eeeeeeew!" the Dragon Slayers gag, turning away and retching. Dilandau scrapes the good guys off the foot of his Oreades and tosses the remains aside, perhaps to be reincarnated for a sequel. Twirling like the spin cycle of a washing machine, Dilandau turns back into beams of colored light which return to their appropriate rings. His voice echoes through the air,

"The power is mine!"

Later, on the Vione, Folken appears to the Dragon Slayers in the sky once again. "Good work, Dragon Slayers!" he praises, "now Gaea is safe from good deeds once again!"

"But we couldn't have done it without Captain Zaibach!" Gatti reminds them. Everyone nods. Chesta holds up a plate of brownies.

"Brownies, everyone?"

ooooo

The credits roll over scenes from the show, and the Dragon Slayers' voices shout their various powers.

"'Melef!"

"Fire!"

"Sword!"

"Fate Alteration!"

"Brownies!"

Dilandau's voice takes over. "Your powers are mine, for I am Captain Zaibach!"

Maaya Sakamoto's voice begins singing. ""Captain Zaibach! He's our hero! Gonna cut the heroes down to zero! He's our powers all combined and he's fighting with himself in mind! Captain Zaibach! He's our hero! Gonna cut the heroes down to zero! Gonna help him kill the good guys before everyone in Zaibach dies!"

Van's voice joins in, sneering. "You'll pay for this, Captain Zaibach!"

The Dragon Slayers' voices take over, rapping. "We're the Dragon Slayers! You can be one too! 'Cause conquering Gaea is the thing to do! Tarot cards and pendants are not the way! Hear what Captain Zaibach has to say!"

"The power is mine!" Dilandau shouts. Cue fanfare, end of show. 


End file.
